I managed a strong comeback. Depression – apathy – resentment — whatever you will name it — seeped through my clothes and onto my skin this afternoon. I was fighting to feel happy in time to save Eduardo before he was trapped underneath it all, how did I let go of the dark things that roamed in my head? LEAVE ME ALONE! It’s always the same thought provoking routine; I take r e s p o n s i b i l i t y My advice: don’t focus on what didn’t work in your past. Focus on what is working right now to facilitate a happier future.
Now that I’ve experienced life, if I could go back to the year 2010 for 15 minutes, I’d tell myself to choose my friends wisely. Keep writing. Continue to paint. Buy a violin. Love, yes is terrifying, but love goddamnit even if it hurts! Even if it it hurts. Conquer your fear to love the things you do! And I promise, your love will take you far beyond your dreams.
And stop it – stop feeling like you don’t deserve happiness. This is the biggest mistake to make, in my deepest humble opinion. When you spend your life secretly believing that you don’t deserve to be loved, how will you ever accept life’s most beautiful treasures? How can a mirror change the way you look at yourself?
Don’t seek for other people’s approval. Choose instead to find those that share your same beliefs.
Mean what you say. Say what you mean.
Choose to be happy. Don’t race for it. It’s a natural emotion, like saddness. Choose to live in happiness.
To readers who have continued to check up on these posts, I hope you have taken some of what I’ve learned to improve. If you pray, I hope you have strong prayers for me. I’m doing the best that I can.
Here’s a list of music I love. Hopefully, this lifts your spirits. BTW if i could do anything in the world right now, it would be to buy tkts for THE GREAT GATSBY. Go watch it for me <3 <3 <3
1. FANTASY – MS MR
2. LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN – BRUNO MARS
3. BORN TO DIE – LANA DEL REY
4. FAVORITE WRITER. NEW FAVORITE MOVIE.
4. womanizer in coral
6. i know who you are and saw what you did
He loved her and she loved him.
His kisses sucked out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she sucked
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered into the curtains
Her eyes wanted nothing to get away
Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows
He gripped her hard so that life
Should not drag her from that moment
He wanted all future to cease
He wanted to topple with his arms round her
Off that moment’s brink and into nothing
Or everlasting or whatever there was
Her embrace was an immense press
To print him into her bones
His smiles were the garrets of a fairy palace
Where the real world would never come
Her smiles were spider bites
So he would lie still till she felt hungry
His words were occupying armies
Her laughs were an assassin’s attempts
His looks were bullets daggers of revenge
His glances were ghosts in the corner with horrible secrets
His whispers were whips and jackboots
Her kisses were lawyers steadily writing
His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway
Her love-tricks were the grinding of locks
And their deep cries crawled over the floors
Like an animal dragging a great trap
His promises were the surgeon’s gag
Her promises took the top off his skull
She would get a brooch made of it
His vows pulled out all her sinews
He showed her how to make a love-knot
Her vows put his eyes in formalin
At the back of her secret drawer
Their screams stuck in the wall
Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves
Of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop
In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage
In the morning they wore each other’s face
It’s getting better and better all the time! Every day I improve more than the day before. I love simplicity, I have less, but I have more. My biological mother is working a busy day on her day off – I focused on bringing up only lovely affirming subjects – like the flowers that reminded me of her, or the interview I will get later this week. I heard her smile behind the phone, her confidence inspired me to continuing laying the bricks for our future. (Our past bridge soaked in kerosine by my father, and altogether, our rage lit like a fire. Fires, once started, burn until they’re burnt out.) “I hope you do get the interview,” that was my mother. “Then you can get yourself out of the situation your in, and we can see you with a car and going back to college.”
I wanted to point out how my endurance has increased with frequent spring bike rides to town. I have been reading about classical Greece, where they kept strong by walking to city-states. I wanted to discuss everything I’ve relearned since I’ve been out of college - relearned in my own study where I can lavish the flourishing bronze age of the Minoan culture and fascinate myself in bull leaping, studying independently medicine, esoteric anatomy, and studying the great kings of past like Alexander the great. Here was a man who conquered the whole known world.
“All in good time, Mother.” I assured her. Employment is prevalent so I can buy my violin strings. I dream about playing it every night. I told her about the wood paintings I am selling, and the Blue Grass Festival that I am invited to sell my work. I wanted to tell her that I’m doing better than ever, that every day I find new opprotunities to reach my fullest potential.
If you’ve gone back & read early posts, I mention my feonce, Edwardo van Erik and his aunt, Mrs. Zella. Her positive attention and love has helped me grow. Edwardo’s unconditional love helped me conquer my fear and grow beautiful.
Moving out shortly so, digital window shopping on gypsy warrior this morning, you’ll notice spring is on my mind, the science behind birds singing and the mechanics of colour formulated precisely so the tall weeds accent the wide yellow propellers of the lemon coloured wildflower, currently reading the greatest war novel of all time for my research for my novella, Cupid. It’s a romance set during a siege in the 18th century.
1. the name speaks for itself: army brat skater skirt
2. <3 mesh crop top
3. pop lips swimsuit
4. my firsts : zines
ARCHIMEDES: Give me a place to stand and I will move the world.
SUN TZU: He who knows when he can fight and when he can not will be victorious.
7. Prepare to Suffer
I know it isn’t Sunday yet, but I’m late for an important date. && i know the banana platform shoes don’t go with the geo print dress, what shoes would go with the geo print dress?
1. Botanical prints
2. inspiring quotes
3. my platform
4. geo print dress
5. Mad dog
6. body suit
7. My poem titled “JAILBAIT”
8. I’ve seen it before
5 Guiding Principles
overall planning for my happiest/successful future
1. Celebrate a rebirth of poetry, music, and theater.
2. Deliver excellence through my writing and other services.
3. Educate the unlucky ones providing inspiration and offering solutions, encourage seeing the world in my unique perspective.
4. I value persistence and generosity, showing ambition and genuine concern for the quality of life.
5. Surround myself in ubiquitous beauty, however i perceive it.
I know everyone is going to copy this once they see how awesome it is. Instead of paraphrasing what I wrote, I really want to encourage you to make your OWN copy.
The chapter Put Your Career on a Happy Track, has sweet advice.
#96 List 5 of Your Guiding Principles
# 103 Summarize 3 Points of Your Adversary’s Argument
#133 Mentally Affirm Two Ways Life May Become Better
“Your guiding principles are those that reflect your core beliefs and guide not only what you do but why and how you do it.” The company that I dream to work for share some of my beliefs. I’m definitely more confident and prepared to talk to a manager from my dream job, if the opportunity arises.
Sometimes, life looks pretty fucking bleak. If there’s no income coming in, you’re literally a boot away from being homeless, then you’re living on a prayer. Generosity is number 4 on my list because it’s such a blessing when someone offers you some bread, or bus money. It’s also nice that at a time when you feel so isolated, someone took a small peek at your existence and demonstrates mercy. Life will be better when I have a job, so I just got to hang in there.
When you see hippie, you probably imagine Volkswagen bus. A hippie says in a documentary “You meet the nicest folk when you’re broken down on the road.”
Oh my people, that’s the word.
Here’s some work I did over a year ago with interesting imagery that makes the prose imaginable. Surreal descriptions, please like and comment if you love my style. This work needs revision, i hope there’s no harm in sharing this!
I had a dream where I was running frantic across the Atlantic coast towards great heaving breasts, stranded orcas gasp, some facing that hot sun, white bellies up. I heard their dying chatter in my head. THen I had this other dream where Adam and Eve are throwing fruit at each other. Adam does a combat role into the bush as Eve, standing naked in the open, chucks mangoes. I could be an artist if I knew how to be brave.
I’d confess my love for Moreau and my passion for minimalist art. I was really good and everyone wanted to know about my success and how did you put so much into so little, I would answer “Part of the problem was investing intellectual seriousness in my work and trying not to pay too much attention to cinematic drama.” No would would guess that I was saved like a teddy bear at the dump.
Gangs bearing other hungry artists would recruit me. The serpent told Eve that Adam was going to hit her soon if she didn’t keep dodging him. By the ocean I took off my summer dress and ran naked towards the rushing water. I dipped the fabric in and thrust it out like a net, running, always running, back to the washed up whales in vain, trying so hard to keep them alive. Why did these monoliths die this way?
In all honesty, and that’s saying a lot here, I didn’t have an outstanding painting career. The smoking room is filled with other various artists, the joint is passed around. “But if I could paint,” I said letting out a cloud of smoke – “I’d paint Adam throwing fruit at Eve. I’d paint a scene of several whales washed up on a beach.” This guy sitting in the circle with the rest of us looks up at me with a cynical glare. “I dream a lot,” I said on the offensive. This guy retorts “Do I look like a therapist to you?” And because I thought this was really funny, I burst into laughter.
Who does a girl like me talk to, I sat beside myself peeking around the smoking room. My eyes stop on a poet who sucked the joint with her Lolita lips until she made a kissing sound and blew out lovely plumes of smoke. With surprisingly little effort, the smoke delivered blooms of peonies, so the poet reminded me of the poetic names peonies have, like Buddha’s Lotus Seat, Purple Pheonix Flying to the Sun,& Fat Concubine.
Her wrist were thin and her fingers were thinner. When she passed the torch she took it between her nails, as thin as a heart’s cell, and pointed it to the next sucker. She said mostly to herself, “What a smokescreen.” Her eyes dropped to her jagged knees.
I hit it so hard I choke like a maniac, my lungs desperate for lubrication. Then I fall back to bed.
When its hard to fall back asleep at 3 AM, I embroider. It’s below 30 outside with strong winds, so sneaking outside is like hiding in a freezer. Lately, it seems like I’m too busy breathing and existing to create much, unless I sleep for a couple of hours before I start a project. I will start to eat more. Eating tiny morsels is a great way to get your body feeling lethargic. I’m picky. I calculate too soon how much fat is in that “Not” butter, but 58% hydrogenated oil.
I tell myself things will get better once I have a job. Which leads to the most focused assignment – employment.
As I lay in a drugged coma, my body is tired, I spend five minutes imagining forthcoming fame, # 101 in 365 ways to Live Happy.
I use sensory details. The confidence in my voice, bearing professionalism. The brightness of the hospital floors, the smell of disinfectant and order. I’d give the manager a firm handshake, but I’d make him or her laugh and the pressure would lift. All my answers will be thought out and meaningful. I’ll go for the classy look.
Today is Tuesday, and I haven’t settled on a theme for Tuesday. Tomorrow is DIY Wednesday though, looking forward to what I’ll get my hands on.
ESTABLISH ATTAINABLE GOALS,
Baby steps. Boost up morale. Key word is attainable. Remember that every day you must work towards completing these goals. You can visualize all day about your dreams, but you can’t choose to be inactive or emotionless. Instead, replace procrastination with a beneficial habit.
dream job — 1 daily quart of water —
squishy clutterbug — utilize frames –
legendary MTG — narrative fiction — read 3 novels
– fitness tuesday — movie madness — adorable french braid
– wood wedges — laundry
Some of my suggestions for success: devote 30 minutes a day to achieving one of your goals. I’m going to get my calender now, and “graph my goals”, that’s what I call it when I put icons on dates that I want certain things to be accomplished. It helps with visualization.
I’m also not worrying about things that don’t matter, and pondering how to be the type of friend I also want to have as a friend.