Hide & Seek
Nobody to talk to. I’m actually content with myself, I’ve got this feeling of golden air inside my lungs as if I am recreated. My mind is now programmed differently, after I left early in the morning with my suitcases ready, and my boyfriend lying naked on the floor curled up in blankets, sprung up automatically and held onto me. “What’s going on?”
That was more than 5 months ago. I left to California, stolen by the ancient pine forests and mountains. I saw my first snow. My heart was utterly broken. Edwardo wept brutally over the cell and internet. He swore eternal love with his soul, his soul was irrevocably mine.
I left because I felt like no one loved me. I suppose I’m thinking of this because I have Nobody to talk to because of what happened no one loved me any more. Edwardo was trying so hard to love me, but I had hidden behind a secret will to end it all. I could never be the person for him or myself. I deserved Nobody.
I played a lonely game of hide and seek with myself.
Until I realized that without change, things would never get any better, and eventually, the end would be imminent.
First, I remember telling Edwardo 9 months ago that I forgave him for what he did. Then I forgave that other woman. Then I forgave myself for hurting every day. I started to clean up the house more, but I wasn’t smiling hard enough. I couldn’t get passed it, because we had it, we had IT. I got sick at my overnight job at the pharmacy, friendly employees offering Tylenol, but nothing heals a bleeding love. Just when I was beginning to believe that everything was getting better, that there was no reason to hurt. All my instincts were right. I stopped caring about everything, gave up on all we were, thinking that it had only been an illusion directed by Edwardo van Erik.
We ended up on the floor of his aunt’s house, who was just as poor. That wasn’t the issue. My baby didn’t love me any more. He was trying so hard to love me, to keep us alive, but now he wasn’t sure any more if I was what he wanted. I didn’t live, he said, I don’t know if you’re happy or not.
I think it was meant to be that we ended up at Mrs. Zella’s. I’ve been in recovery ever since. I started to read and write again, something I hadn’t done efficiently in 2 years. I indulged myself in nature. She never repeats herself. I think it is important to note in this progress report, if it presses on my mind, that I felt shameless in loving her.