Today has been far from perfect. I’m working on it.I woke up in the morning, and pushed all of yesterday’s troubles off the bed on the dirty laundry pile. Why must I take things to heart? I stole 10 minutes from the world to lay there in a silent reverie. When I finally made up my mind to do something, I gingerly climbed over my lover to the bathroom. I took the baby lotion off the shelf. I wistfully pondered smoothing this beautiful organic body butter DREAMLAND by INDAH (this gorgeous Australian potion) on the both of us, but we arepoor and in love so I had to substitute this desire with Johnson & Johnson baby lotion.
Edwardo was still sleeping when I started to rub his back. I counted pleasant memories and put my weight behind my arms, into his stiff shoulders, then fixed his lower back where the body holds your weight up at the end of your spine, & I told him to relax because I wouldn’t stop until I felt better.
It wasn’t just appreciation. It was worth every moment massaging Edwardo to help erase his tension. I am so hard on us sometimes. Edwardo has been trying with all his might to convince me that things will work out, & RELAX. he tells me before I shout my bad advice, to think twice about how much he loves me. Edwardo could not fathom how I could create traitorous scenarios against our unbreakable bond. How could I think that he doesn’t love my body when he tells me I’m beautiful EVERY DAY? How in the world did I conjure this idea that I am not worthy?
Jealousy will drive you mad. As hard as I tried to love my natural self this morning, in the mirror I could only brace myself not to crumble: my wild kinky curls, i wish I could just use a straightener to, but that’s committing suicide for my brittle tresses, I wished I had a beautiful smile, I wished I could be in college. And that’s the last pathetic sentence you’ll read.
What I really need is a perscreption for radical self-love.
I’m excited now I get the chance to tell you about someone I met in California. Imagine walking into a space where worries melt away. It was promising, and everything around you blossomed. It’s September, harvest season, and you’ve never felt such profound love, that you palpably step into it, it physically changes you, which means it changes your biochemical structure. This environment was someone’s front yard, right outside the 58 year old baker’s white picket fence. Thick vines with broad leaves curled around the fence in a lovely design, I remember, where my hands held on to as I’ve never felt my body relax so much. In this moment, swinging my weight off his fence in the September day light, closer to the sun than I ever been in my life, I felt peace. This was so amazing, especially since I was going through so much hardship.
Greg, the guru, told me that it was fate that lead me here. My spiritual dissatisfaction lead me early onto the path of love. He told me never to forget that I was a goddess, and to never let any man ever make me feel less about myself. Greg the guru and I were both Scorpios and storytellers.
I made a mental list in my head of 10 things that are important, so I could touch up later.
3. Good hair days – feel beautiful
4. Poems used to keep me up at night instead of this paranoia.
6. Playing the violin
7. A nice job
8. Where am I going?
1. Don’t bring up the past. Live in the moment with Edwardo. We are only human.
2. Feel the power to say “No.” Answer the urgency of your gifts.
3. keep hair journal to note what works best
4. No indignant poetry. Begin at once writing my short story that been developing in my brain for weeks.
5. Love in the time of Cholera. Romeo & Juliet. Let the Dog Drive.
6. Next Wednesday. Be Patient.
7. Don’t give up. Sell my visual poems on the side for money.
8. First Coast Technical College – Financial Aid.
9. Don’t stop believing in yourself.
10. JUST FUCKING DO IT MAYN.