Far from my Florida home, my thoughts started to roam in a brand new bed in a unfamiliar log cabin tucked in private countryside. My thoughts began like this: “I love —” following my mother’s name, my sister’s name, along with bittersweet memories. My mom laughing over burned biscuits or chain smoking cigaretts. My sister tapping on my window at 5 in the morning balancing two beer cans in her hands. My heart was oozing with love, overflowing with love. My shaggy dog’s white curly hair and overbite grin. Eduardo was sleeping beside me, I took him in my arms and held him tightly. I never ever want to let him go. Suddenly, I was really terrified. I never been so much in love and never hurt so bad at the same time.
Deep down I understood that nothing lasts forever. Somehow someway we have to say goodbye.
I wanted to know for sure that everybody I loved would be taken care of. In these dark moments with my head against the comfy pillow, I felt open and bleeding with love.
Then another thought, a reasuring gesture, came to mind. This will be hard to explain, and if you’ve not been on this plane of thought, you may want to discontinue reading. My thought was, I’m afraid because I feel like God is not there. To me, God is love. God is energy. I had to tell myself to trust in God and have unwaivering faith. When i tightened my grip on my sleeping beauty, tears squeezed from the corners of my eyes and I thought, God is with me. Right now, and I know it because of all the love I feel.
I decided to write about this event a week later, but this sums up the beweldering feelings that came to me my first night here, in a new city, in a new state, starting a fresh life.
Whenever I feel bad, a signal goes off in my brain that warns me. “Negative emotioms have activated. These negative vibes will only cause more pain and suffering.” This thought awareness helps me tune in to a happier station. I think about my sister and me and Eduardo smoking pot in the backyard. I think about my black cat, GG and her pink tongue sticking out. I fill myself up with love and don’t distract myself with the uncertainty of the future. It is not useful to … how do i put this? it’s not useful when you’re in that position of vulnerability to imagine the future without the ones you love. It will not make it easier when the inevitable happens.
That song from Kansas comes to mind. I know the whole song. “Now don’t hang on, nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips a-way.”
The ramifications of living in the moment will dissapate the fear. I’ll pick up the phone and call my mom and leave her a message, I’ll send my sister a picture that reminds me of us, I’ll kiss my boyfriend as he sleeps and watch him smile as he dreams.