The Quest for an Abudance in Sunshine

where you find: the key to happiness, personal experience, a redhead's poetry, book reviews, new science, nature, rock'n alt. medicine

Tag: abuse

Animal I Have Become

“Help me believe it’s not the real me

somebody save me from this animal i have become.”

 

Lately, I feel like something is holding me or changing my personality. You’re encouraged to find role models to inspire you, maybe even look up to your successful peers. But all i see is a reflection of all my failures and imperfections. I noticed my life was taking a different path than my fantasy. Would my reality ever live up?

Eduardo coached me on some basic Bruce Lee jeet kune do. He was explaining about connecting a punch to your enemy. “You have to WANT your punch to make a connection with your target. Do you understand?”

I want to make a huge impact on my life. I think I’ve died a little bit every day, trying to understand the formula for abundance. Will i spend the next year working as a sever? Or will I find the courage to pursue a better career path and truly believe that deep inside me is a novel or something short of a masterpiece? 

What’s pertinent now is to change my perspective on my reality. I’ve come to realize that the horrible events that have transpired in the past have shattered my identity, but on a positive note, I am more sure of who I was. I know now where dreams come from.

i know that i have a lot of things i need to let go. sometimes i feel like i’ve forgiven myself completely, and then the next i don’t know how to let her go.

 

Screen-write Apology rated R

I had an idea today, taking the pieces out of a cell phone and arranging them on a white plaster board. It had something to do with this thoughtful rage considering our connection to everything. There was a white box full of heart-shaped glasses in assorted colors, why they looked like jelly beans. When you approached the board with the entrails of “cellular” parts, you had to pick up the heart-shaped glasses, and look through the hearts framing those parts.

I’ve been really sick lately too,  why I was so sad, I can’t remember. I’m sure it’s because Edwardo has to leave my side every Monday morning and doesn’t come back until Friday night.  Nothing alleviates me more than his therapeutic love. I made myself get up after spilling ink over a yellow notepad, yellow journalism, and get dressed. Find some clothes and choose to be happy right now. I learned that lesson I long time ago (it was in my junior year, I read The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews. It was my first self-help book I read.)

There is no time to waste, so I moped back to my bedroom and sifted through some clothes. All the long sleeved shirts were blue. I desired lace. My beloved vintage Bongo shorts that come up above my belly button. I chose a turquoise top w/ long sleeves & deep neck dive,  over that a lace top that I had to tie behind my neck. My face is the only thing I can’t seem to repair, it looks beaten up, puckered up, red eye sockets even though I slept all last night under a stagnant fan and two bed covers, trying to sweat the sickness out.

I wish I wasn’t so intense. So, my sincere apology, I’m sure I scared a lot of people off. Times are hurting my tender heart, I guess. It’s also her anniversary.