The Quest for an Abudance in Sunshine

where you find: the key to happiness, personal experience, a redhead's poetry, book reviews, new science, nature, rock'n alt. medicine

Tag: depression

Let The Animal Inside Your Body Love What It Loves

I woke up again in the middle of the night after a four hour sleep, feeling anxious as if I was back in the restaurant. In my dream I was dropping the customer’s money, it was all getting mixed up, and they were all impatient – I already knew i wasn’t getting a tip from any table. It’s been like this almost every day for a month straight, and I’ve only worked there since the end of May. I am so unhappy as a server – it’s not as easy sounding as “delivering food” but I’m not here to justify why I feel so ashamed that I shut my eyes tightly, wrapped in my blanket, next to Eduardo. Tears seeped through the cracks of my eyelashes and spilled into my other eye. All I wanted was for those around me to have happiness. I’d been away from Florida almost 2 years. I have the things I wanted that I didn’t have – whenever I felt bad about my job, I wrote down the things I was grateful for. Remember when the trailer you lived in didn’t have a shower or place to wash dishes? Remember when you didn’t have a car, and you had to walk 11 miles to town just for a job that paid you under the table? I’ve been reading blogs about people who leave their lives in New York or some city, who leave their mortgage and their coveted 9-5 job for van life. I’d love a slower pace job, where I didn’t wear a uniform and run around refilling drinks hoping that guests left a dollar over 10%, to cover tipshare. Hoping I didn’t get sat a 17 big top. I’d love a job where I was at a desk, even if the hours dragged by, at least I’d be treated fairly. All I wanted was for those around me to have happiness – I was so grateful to have this apartment with my AC, and a place to shower, because I remembered having to take showers at my Aunt’s when I had the chance, and laying naked in the trailer, sweating in the Florida summer. It was so hard to find a job in my last town, but here in East Texas, you could pick one up at any glorified fast food place. And here I was, finally with the things I needed for basic survival, i could afford food and gas and the internet, a fridge, things most young people take for granted. And here I was, my soul silent, because I was so bitter. Bitter that my mom had to work to death. That Eduardo couldn’t make movies. That I wasn’t a writer like I dreamed of being since my earliest memory, stuffing receipts and envelopes into my great grandparents typewriter, so i could hear it chirp like a bird.

I am reluctant to leave my position for something that doesn’t pay as much. If you’re an experience server, and can handle waiting on 30 people, you bring home a lot of money. I know servers I work with bring home almost 500 dollars a week. Plus my 2.15/hr, I make at least 10/hr. But the stress – the abuse, sometimes it doesn’t bounce off me.

I’ve spoken to my manager each time I got overwhelmed, a brief one-on-one in his crammed office. He has a way of making decisions for me. I told him I wanted nothing more than to work a few times a week and that i’d find another job. “you want more hours? I’ll give you more hours. And there’s nothing to feel ashamed about not being able to handle this, we’ll give you a 4-table section.” But still, I was trapped in the weeds, and I could tell after messing up with that big top, he wanted to fire me. But he needed me to cover his split shifts – the lowest ranked shift on the totem pole.

I tell myself to stay positive, it’s money every day and if I do this for a year, I can go back to school. And then I started to cry, because there are so many symbols in my life that meant I wanted to reinvent myself. The violin I finally got, but can’t tune. The pharmacy technician trainee certificate, a sign that I wanted to be better at math. My hula-hoop, a plastic circle that symbolized my passion to dance. But I had tried to get into ballet, and that was too far. (You can read my other blog, HALO for that chapter) And all the blogs i printed out about living in a van and traveling, because I wanted to see my family, and because I wanted to go to the mountains.

I fought back tears because I knew that if deep down, I was not living my purpose, how tortured does Eduardo feel, not having the money to produce his movies? How does my mother feel, wanting to go to college, but not having the time or energy from her job?

And then, it struck me, that I should just pick up my violin, drive to the next town in my beat up Pontiac, and get it tuned, and play outside, and take online lessons. (violinlab.com offers in depth online tutoring for less than 25 bucks a month! )To drive to my friend’s house and ask her if I can borrow her ballet barre dvd and install a “barre” from the bamboo Eduardo cut down. That I should go to the library and print out the free pdf file from http://www.pharmacy-tech-test.com/pharmacy-tech-book.html, and buy the medical dosage calculations books and study. That I should buy an LED hoop so I can get lost in my flow.

And I kept thinking about all the books that affected my life. I’ve always believed that certain books come into your life at the time you need to read them. How at one point, I stopped reading fiction and poetry so I could read about war, history, and travel memoirs and spirituality and yoga. And I knew, deep down, I needed to write books.

it’s a compelling

necessity. all my friends i miss are the enlightened ones.

People who get turnt up in heaven

and spend some one-one-one time with

                                                        

(spiritual teacher’s name here.)

I have no idea how I’ll have the guts to walk back into that restaurant tomorrow.

I lost my dignity, the other night – the place was jam packed and chaotic.

For you. I keep telling myself,

the only reason why it felt like hell

was because of you.

“You are the cause of your own heaven and hell.”

After one point, my mind couldn’t focus. I was tense and upset over what guests were saying.

I wasn’t the strongest character that day.

I realize now that I should’ve tried to act happy.

Stay into character, and role play like the words indeed

rolled off my shoulders, bounced off.

I let the pressure get to me, and fighting back tears I forgot to put someone’s food order in.

So every one had their food except for the large baby.

Then a table walked out on me. And I’m sure some people got free drinks.

I had like 8 tables. 9 tables at one point. I’ve been there 30 days. I’m counting.

i kept grabbing my hair, a really OCD habit of mine.

Trying to remember.orders

When it occurred to me.

Animal I Have Become

“Help me believe it’s not the real me

somebody save me from this animal i have become.”

 

Lately, I feel like something is holding me or changing my personality. You’re encouraged to find role models to inspire you, maybe even look up to your successful peers. But all i see is a reflection of all my failures and imperfections. I noticed my life was taking a different path than my fantasy. Would my reality ever live up?

Eduardo coached me on some basic Bruce Lee jeet kune do. He was explaining about connecting a punch to your enemy. “You have to WANT your punch to make a connection with your target. Do you understand?”

I want to make a huge impact on my life. I think I’ve died a little bit every day, trying to understand the formula for abundance. Will i spend the next year working as a sever? Or will I find the courage to pursue a better career path and truly believe that deep inside me is a novel or something short of a masterpiece? 

What’s pertinent now is to change my perspective on my reality. I’ve come to realize that the horrible events that have transpired in the past have shattered my identity, but on a positive note, I am more sure of who I was. I know now where dreams come from.

i know that i have a lot of things i need to let go. sometimes i feel like i’ve forgiven myself completely, and then the next i don’t know how to let her go.

 

Love Frequency

Far from my Florida home, my thoughts started to roam in a brand new bed in a unfamiliar log cabin tucked in private countryside. My thoughts began like this: “I love —” following my mother’s name, my sister’s name, along with bittersweet memories. My mom laughing over burned biscuits or chain smoking cigaretts. My sister tapping on my window at 5 in the morning balancing two beer cans in her hands. My heart was oozing with love, overflowing with love. My shaggy dog’s white curly hair and overbite grin. Eduardo was sleeping beside me, I took him in my arms and held him tightly. I never ever want to let him go. Suddenly, I was really terrified. I never been so much in love and never hurt so bad at the same time.

Deep down I understood that nothing lasts forever. Somehow someway we have to say goodbye.

I wanted to know for sure that everybody I loved would be taken care of. In these dark moments with my head against the comfy pillow, I felt open and bleeding with love.

Vulnerable.

Then another thought, a reasuring gesture, came to mind. This will be hard to explain, and if you’ve not been on this plane of thought, you may want to discontinue reading. My thought was, I’m afraid because I feel like God is not there. To me, God is love. God is energy. I had to tell myself to trust in God and have unwaivering faith. When i tightened my grip on my sleeping beauty, tears squeezed from the corners of my eyes and I thought, God is with me. Right now, and I know it because of all the love I feel.

I decided to write about this event a week later, but this sums up the beweldering feelings that came to me my first night here, in a new city, in a new state, starting a fresh life.

Whenever I feel bad, a signal goes off in my brain that warns me. “Negative emotioms have activated. These negative vibes will only cause more pain and suffering.” This thought awareness helps me tune in to a happier station. I think about my sister and me and Eduardo smoking pot in the backyard. I think about my black cat, GG and her pink tongue sticking out. I fill myself up with love and don’t distract myself with the uncertainty of the future. It is not useful to … how do i put this? it’s not useful when you’re in that position of vulnerability to imagine the future without the ones you love. It will not make it easier when the inevitable happens.

That song from Kansas comes to mind. I know the whole song. “Now don’t hang on, nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips a-way.”

The ramifications of living in the moment will dissapate the fear. I’ll pick up the phone and call my mom and leave her a message, I’ll send my sister a picture that reminds me of us, I’ll kiss my boyfriend as he sleeps and watch him smile as he dreams.

We Love –

It’s too much to think of everything I own on sale for cheap at a storage unit. Everything ahead will be better than what we leave here. I have more than 30 books of classic literature for sale. A Seperate Peace, The Sun Also Rises, A Clockwork Orange, When The Emperor Was Divine. Irresitable titles, gorgeous covers. I have to open every one before I let them go. I’m keeping the writers that I love to read the most. If I think back on it, Joseph Campbell advises to lavish in your passions and be certain of them. Follow Your Bliss. All these stories are a testament to my desire to become a writer, and now it’s down to a couple of worn paper backs. The Illustrated Man, The Joy Luck Club, Esoteric Anatomy, The Encyclopedia of World History. Will our trip run smoothly? I’m so happy we’re getting out of this place, nothing but small minded people and thieves.

Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful?


Before I left to California, I was steadily trying to gain weight & I was obsessed with growing your own food. Self-sufficiency. I theorized that the cure to depression was becoming self-sufficient. I learned that a human has to participate in life – a stewardship, a contribution – i learned that digging your hands into the soil raised serotonin in the brain, vibes to feel happy.

The Russian astronaught who holds the record for the longest time spent in space had to grow wheat to keep himself from feeling depressed (which affected his physical body.)It gave him and his crew something to talk about, and it gave him something to care for.
The body and the mind are connected.

Breath & the Cosmos

Gabby and Eduardo caught me practicing my breathing exercizes while we passed the pipe. All of us were venting. I’ll participate in breath reps when since it’s anegative topic or when I notice the tension in my abdomen. The jurist and Tantric scholar Sir John Woodroffe wrote  that the breath is a mantra that is not recited because it is said with volition. My last post I told you the technique the yogi taught me, that I can think of my breath as “So” (inhale) “Um” (exhale.) The scholar also wrote that breath is expressed through inspiration (Sa) or expiration (Ha). Sakti or Shiva, what does that mean? It sounds like what the yogi told me, “Sa/So – Um/Ha.”

 

Well I’m done applying for new jobs in the area, a chocolate hersey kiss is waiting for me on the counter with an open book.

Flowers For Dreams

I read some where a long time ago that a picture of flowers hung up near your bed helps you dream of better things. It’s all about the enviornment.

jean louis prevost semi double rose geranium pea plus arlette davids

jean louis prevost semi double rose geranium pea plus arlette davids

I’ll Hold You In A Cold Place

5 Guiding Principles
overall planning for my happiest/successful future

1. Celebrate a rebirth of poetry, music, and theater.

2. Deliver excellence through my writing and other services.

3. Educate the unlucky ones providing inspiration and offering solutions, encourage seeing the world in my unique perspective.

4. I value persistence and generosity, showing ambition and genuine concern for the quality of life.

5. Surround myself in ubiquitous beauty, however i perceive it.

I know everyone is going to copy this once they see how awesome it is. Instead of paraphrasing what I wrote, I really want to encourage you to make your OWN copy.

The chapter Put Your Career on a Happy Track, has sweet advice.

#96  List 5 of Your Guiding Principles

# 103 Summarize 3 Points of Your Adversary’s Argument

#133 Mentally Affirm Two Ways Life May Become Better

“Your guiding principles are those that reflect your core beliefs and guide not only what you do but why and how you do it.” The company that I dream to work for share some of my beliefs. I’m definitely more confident and prepared to talk to a manager from my dream job, if the opportunity arises.

Sometimes, life looks pretty fucking bleak. If there’s no income coming in, you’re literally a boot away from being homeless, then you’re living on a prayer. Generosity is number 4 on my list because it’s such a blessing when someone offers you some bread, or bus money. It’s also nice that at a time when you feel so isolated, someone took a small peek at your existence and demonstrates mercy. Life will be better when I have a job, so I just got to hang in there.

When you see hippie, you probably imagine Volkswagen bus.  A hippie says in a documentary “You meet the nicest folk when you’re broken down on the road.”

Oh my people, that’s the word.

Venus in Furs

When its hard to fall back asleep at 3 AM, I embroider. It’s below 30 outside with strong winds, so sneaking outside is like hiding in a freezer. Lately, it seems like I’m too busy breathing and existing to create much, unless I sleep for a couple of hours before I start a project. I will start to eat more. Eating tiny morsels is a great way to get your body feeling lethargic. I’m picky. I calculate too soon how much fat is in that “Not” butter, but 58% hydrogenated oil.

I tell myself things will get better once I have a job. Which leads to the most focused assignment – employment.

As I lay in a drugged coma, my body is tired, I spend five minutes imagining forthcoming fame, # 101 in 365 ways to Live Happy.

I  use sensory details. The confidence in my voice, bearing professionalism. The brightness of the hospital floors, the smell of disinfectant and order. I’d give the manager a firm handshake, but I’d make him or her laugh and the pressure would lift. All my answers will be thought out and meaningful. I’ll go for the classy look.

Today is Tuesday, and I haven’t settled on a theme for Tuesday. Tomorrow is DIY Wednesday though, looking forward to what I’ll get my hands on.

 ESTABLISH ATTAINABLE GOALS, 

# 171

Baby steps. Boost up morale. Key word is attainable. Remember that every day you must work towards completing these goals. You can visualize all day about your dreams, but you can’t choose to be inactive or emotionless. Instead, replace procrastination with a beneficial habit.

April’s Lifelines

dream job — 1 daily quart of water —

squishy clutterbug — utilize frames —

legendary MTG — narrative fiction — read 3 novels

— fitness tuesday — movie madness — adorable french braid

— wood wedges —  laundry

Some of my suggestions for success: devote 30 minutes a day to achieving one of your goals. I’m going to get my calender now, and “graph my goals”, that’s what I call it when I put icons on dates that I want certain things to be accomplished. It helps with visualization.

I’m also not worrying about things that don’t matter, and pondering how to be the type of friend I also want to have as a friend.