The Quest for an Abudance in Sunshine

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Tag: faith

it’s a compelling

necessity. all my friends i miss are the enlightened ones.

People who get turnt up in heaven

and spend some one-one-one time with

                                                        

(spiritual teacher’s name here.)

I have no idea how I’ll have the guts to walk back into that restaurant tomorrow.

I lost my dignity, the other night – the place was jam packed and chaotic.

For you. I keep telling myself,

the only reason why it felt like hell

was because of you.

“You are the cause of your own heaven and hell.”

After one point, my mind couldn’t focus. I was tense and upset over what guests were saying.

I wasn’t the strongest character that day.

I realize now that I should’ve tried to act happy.

Stay into character, and role play like the words indeed

rolled off my shoulders, bounced off.

I let the pressure get to me, and fighting back tears I forgot to put someone’s food order in.

So every one had their food except for the large baby.

Then a table walked out on me. And I’m sure some people got free drinks.

I had like 8 tables. 9 tables at one point. I’ve been there 30 days. I’m counting.

i kept grabbing my hair, a really OCD habit of mine.

Trying to remember.orders

When it occurred to me.

Animal I Have Become

“Help me believe it’s not the real me

somebody save me from this animal i have become.”

 

Lately, I feel like something is holding me or changing my personality. You’re encouraged to find role models to inspire you, maybe even look up to your successful peers. But all i see is a reflection of all my failures and imperfections. I noticed my life was taking a different path than my fantasy. Would my reality ever live up?

Eduardo coached me on some basic Bruce Lee jeet kune do. He was explaining about connecting a punch to your enemy. “You have to WANT your punch to make a connection with your target. Do you understand?”

I want to make a huge impact on my life. I think I’ve died a little bit every day, trying to understand the formula for abundance. Will i spend the next year working as a sever? Or will I find the courage to pursue a better career path and truly believe that deep inside me is a novel or something short of a masterpiece? 

What’s pertinent now is to change my perspective on my reality. I’ve come to realize that the horrible events that have transpired in the past have shattered my identity, but on a positive note, I am more sure of who I was. I know now where dreams come from.

i know that i have a lot of things i need to let go. sometimes i feel like i’ve forgiven myself completely, and then the next i don’t know how to let her go.

 

Love Frequency

Far from my Florida home, my thoughts started to roam in a brand new bed in a unfamiliar log cabin tucked in private countryside. My thoughts began like this: “I love —” following my mother’s name, my sister’s name, along with bittersweet memories. My mom laughing over burned biscuits or chain smoking cigaretts. My sister tapping on my window at 5 in the morning balancing two beer cans in her hands. My heart was oozing with love, overflowing with love. My shaggy dog’s white curly hair and overbite grin. Eduardo was sleeping beside me, I took him in my arms and held him tightly. I never ever want to let him go. Suddenly, I was really terrified. I never been so much in love and never hurt so bad at the same time.

Deep down I understood that nothing lasts forever. Somehow someway we have to say goodbye.

I wanted to know for sure that everybody I loved would be taken care of. In these dark moments with my head against the comfy pillow, I felt open and bleeding with love.

Vulnerable.

Then another thought, a reasuring gesture, came to mind. This will be hard to explain, and if you’ve not been on this plane of thought, you may want to discontinue reading. My thought was, I’m afraid because I feel like God is not there. To me, God is love. God is energy. I had to tell myself to trust in God and have unwaivering faith. When i tightened my grip on my sleeping beauty, tears squeezed from the corners of my eyes and I thought, God is with me. Right now, and I know it because of all the love I feel.

I decided to write about this event a week later, but this sums up the beweldering feelings that came to me my first night here, in a new city, in a new state, starting a fresh life.

Whenever I feel bad, a signal goes off in my brain that warns me. “Negative emotioms have activated. These negative vibes will only cause more pain and suffering.” This thought awareness helps me tune in to a happier station. I think about my sister and me and Eduardo smoking pot in the backyard. I think about my black cat, GG and her pink tongue sticking out. I fill myself up with love and don’t distract myself with the uncertainty of the future. It is not useful to … how do i put this? it’s not useful when you’re in that position of vulnerability to imagine the future without the ones you love. It will not make it easier when the inevitable happens.

That song from Kansas comes to mind. I know the whole song. “Now don’t hang on, nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips a-way.”

The ramifications of living in the moment will dissapate the fear. I’ll pick up the phone and call my mom and leave her a message, I’ll send my sister a picture that reminds me of us, I’ll kiss my boyfriend as he sleeps and watch him smile as he dreams.

Tie Loose Ends

steve smith

art by Steve Smith

Growing up in Southern California, I made macrame bracelets for friends. That was a long time ago. A dancer looking out for me in Colorado gave me an incredibly generous gift: crochet needles, yarn, and books. I’ve been non stop tying knots. It feels therapeutic to me. I went through my junk cigar box and picked out charms. I’m tying time in knots, inspired by themes around my room – the news on war, Eduardo’s camo jacket, my attitude not to look back. Matching colors with meanings. It was almost like a rite of passage when I learned the square knot.

We’re taking the greyhound in a week. I’m so excited to start our life in a new city. I hope I won’t get too nervous. My short term goals:

– get a job at Walgreens or a resturant
– support my love and best friend as he works impressively in the oil fields
– sell bracelets for tuition
– continue my daily fitness regimen
– take lots of pictures

My long term goals:

– get a second part time job for tuition
– buy a car
– enroll in a dance class
– become a pharmacy technician

Napoleon Hill advises “to create a definite plan of action and begin at once, without hesitation.”

Best Regards

quoteWhat’s the cure for uneven skin tone? What’s the best least-damaging solution to style curly hair straight? How does my hair maximize it’s natural colour? In other words….how can I feel comfortable under my skin? My routine to exfoilate with a descent scrub, take vitamin c and a multivitamin, start a collection of headscarves, wear sunglasses, sip green tea & apply spf 50 20 minutes before I step out into the sun & drink tons of water was missing acceptance. I can’t be perfect.

I’ve been so judgemental of myself this week. Sometimes I’m equipped with friendliness and forgivenss to my body and sometimes I’m cruel. This week I was cruel, and that’s hard to say. I condemned my looks and personality and encouraged Eduardo to feel the same. It’s like seeing me walk into a pole. Clang! My thoughts distract me.

It’s good I found this informative article. It reminded me that I’m only human, I need to focus on what facilitates purpose.

Eduardo and I talked about energy this morning. “An abundance of Energy put in the wrong direction is not as useful as the right amount energy in the right direction.” As a demonstration, he gently pushed me back and I kept walking backwards. “You’re going to keep moving backwards and watch if you stand in place and I push on your knee like this -” I stood confidently and he applies instant pressure on my right knee. I shriek and jump out of the way laughing. “You can’t move forward & I’m exterting no energy at all practically. See, it’s energy in the right direction, & I didn’t have to waste any energy.”

Eduardo reminds me of Bruce Lee. I’m the luckiest lady! I Heart Sharks has an irresitable beat. I’m bobbin’ my head I type. self esteem

O P E N until 8

“Books have given me a magic portal to connect with people of the past and the present. i know i shall never feel lonely or powerless again. Having your dreams shattered really is nothing compared to what many others have suffered. i have come to believe that the most important purpose of a dream is to get us in touch with where dreams come from. Where passion comes from! Where happiness comes from! even a shattered dream can do that for you.” – Lisa Bu

Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful?


Before I left to California, I was steadily trying to gain weight & I was obsessed with growing your own food. Self-sufficiency. I theorized that the cure to depression was becoming self-sufficient. I learned that a human has to participate in life – a stewardship, a contribution – i learned that digging your hands into the soil raised serotonin in the brain, vibes to feel happy.

The Russian astronaught who holds the record for the longest time spent in space had to grow wheat to keep himself from feeling depressed (which affected his physical body.)It gave him and his crew something to talk about, and it gave him something to care for.
The body and the mind are connected.

Breath & the Cosmos

Gabby and Eduardo caught me practicing my breathing exercizes while we passed the pipe. All of us were venting. I’ll participate in breath reps when since it’s anegative topic or when I notice the tension in my abdomen. The jurist and Tantric scholar Sir John Woodroffe wrote  that the breath is a mantra that is not recited because it is said with volition. My last post I told you the technique the yogi taught me, that I can think of my breath as “So” (inhale) “Um” (exhale.) The scholar also wrote that breath is expressed through inspiration (Sa) or expiration (Ha). Sakti or Shiva, what does that mean? It sounds like what the yogi told me, “Sa/So – Um/Ha.”

 

Well I’m done applying for new jobs in the area, a chocolate hersey kiss is waiting for me on the counter with an open book.

Yoga for Sleepyheads

sun salutations

sun salutations

In my opinion, the sun salutations is a terrific exericize when you’ve been in a position for a long period of time. I do this when i wake up in the morning, it helps me feel energized.

You start in mountain pose, that benefits good posture. bring your feet together, toes touching, bring your hands together in prayer, and imagine a line going through the center of your body. inhale, and when you exhale, reach up and look behind you as far as you can see, inhale, come down when you exhale. sometimes i’ll hold pose 2 for 4 breaths.

Sun Salutations are good if you experience back pain.

Avoid doing yoga under direct sunlight.

I’ll post a bunch more yoga poses for beginners and include some background information on yoga, and some of the yogis I google for good measure.

I know who you are & saw what you did

title speaks for itself

lori fields

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