The Quest for an Abudance in Sunshine

where you find: the key to happiness, personal experience, a redhead's poetry, book reviews, new science, nature, rock'n alt. medicine

Tag: love

Let The Animal Inside Your Body Love What It Loves

I woke up again in the middle of the night after a four hour sleep, feeling anxious as if I was back in the restaurant. In my dream I was dropping the customer’s money, it was all getting mixed up, and they were all impatient – I already knew i wasn’t getting a tip from any table. It’s been like this almost every day for a month straight, and I’ve only worked there since the end of May. I am so unhappy as a server – it’s not as easy sounding as “delivering food” but I’m not here to justify why I feel so ashamed that I shut my eyes tightly, wrapped in my blanket, next to Eduardo. Tears seeped through the cracks of my eyelashes and spilled into my other eye. All I wanted was for those around me to have happiness. I’d been away from Florida almost 2 years. I have the things I wanted that I didn’t have – whenever I felt bad about my job, I wrote down the things I was grateful for. Remember when the trailer you lived in didn’t have a shower or place to wash dishes? Remember when you didn’t have a car, and you had to walk 11 miles to town just for a job that paid you under the table? I’ve been reading blogs about people who leave their lives in New York or some city, who leave their mortgage and their coveted 9-5 job for van life. I’d love a slower pace job, where I didn’t wear a uniform and run around refilling drinks hoping that guests left a dollar over 10%, to cover tipshare. Hoping I didn’t get sat a 17 big top. I’d love a job where I was at a desk, even if the hours dragged by, at least I’d be treated fairly. All I wanted was for those around me to have happiness – I was so grateful to have this apartment with my AC, and a place to shower, because I remembered having to take showers at my Aunt’s when I had the chance, and laying naked in the trailer, sweating in the Florida summer. It was so hard to find a job in my last town, but here in East Texas, you could pick one up at any glorified fast food place. And here I was, finally with the things I needed for basic survival, i could afford food and gas and the internet, a fridge, things most young people take for granted. And here I was, my soul silent, because I was so bitter. Bitter that my mom had to work to death. That Eduardo couldn’t make movies. That I wasn’t a writer like I dreamed of being since my earliest memory, stuffing receipts and envelopes into my great grandparents typewriter, so i could hear it chirp like a bird.

I am reluctant to leave my position for something that doesn’t pay as much. If you’re an experience server, and can handle waiting on 30 people, you bring home a lot of money. I know servers I work with bring home almost 500 dollars a week. Plus my 2.15/hr, I make at least 10/hr. But the stress – the abuse, sometimes it doesn’t bounce off me.

I’ve spoken to my manager each time I got overwhelmed, a brief one-on-one in his crammed office. He has a way of making decisions for me. I told him I wanted nothing more than to work a few times a week and that i’d find another job. “you want more hours? I’ll give you more hours. And there’s nothing to feel ashamed about not being able to handle this, we’ll give you a 4-table section.” But still, I was trapped in the weeds, and I could tell after messing up with that big top, he wanted to fire me. But he needed me to cover his split shifts – the lowest ranked shift on the totem pole.

I tell myself to stay positive, it’s money every day and if I do this for a year, I can go back to school. And then I started to cry, because there are so many symbols in my life that meant I wanted to reinvent myself. The violin I finally got, but can’t tune. The pharmacy technician trainee certificate, a sign that I wanted to be better at math. My hula-hoop, a plastic circle that symbolized my passion to dance. But I had tried to get into ballet, and that was too far. (You can read my other blog, HALO for that chapter) And all the blogs i printed out about living in a van and traveling, because I wanted to see my family, and because I wanted to go to the mountains.

I fought back tears because I knew that if deep down, I was not living my purpose, how tortured does Eduardo feel, not having the money to produce his movies? How does my mother feel, wanting to go to college, but not having the time or energy from her job?

And then, it struck me, that I should just pick up my violin, drive to the next town in my beat up Pontiac, and get it tuned, and play outside, and take online lessons. (violinlab.com offers in depth online tutoring for less than 25 bucks a month! )To drive to my friend’s house and ask her if I can borrow her ballet barre dvd and install a “barre” from the bamboo Eduardo cut down. That I should go to the library and print out the free pdf file from http://www.pharmacy-tech-test.com/pharmacy-tech-book.html, and buy the medical dosage calculations books and study. That I should buy an LED hoop so I can get lost in my flow.

And I kept thinking about all the books that affected my life. I’ve always believed that certain books come into your life at the time you need to read them. How at one point, I stopped reading fiction and poetry so I could read about war, history, and travel memoirs and spirituality and yoga. And I knew, deep down, I needed to write books.

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Animal I Have Become

“Help me believe it’s not the real me

somebody save me from this animal i have become.”

 

Lately, I feel like something is holding me or changing my personality. You’re encouraged to find role models to inspire you, maybe even look up to your successful peers. But all i see is a reflection of all my failures and imperfections. I noticed my life was taking a different path than my fantasy. Would my reality ever live up?

Eduardo coached me on some basic Bruce Lee jeet kune do. He was explaining about connecting a punch to your enemy. “You have to WANT your punch to make a connection with your target. Do you understand?”

I want to make a huge impact on my life. I think I’ve died a little bit every day, trying to understand the formula for abundance. Will i spend the next year working as a sever? Or will I find the courage to pursue a better career path and truly believe that deep inside me is a novel or something short of a masterpiece? 

What’s pertinent now is to change my perspective on my reality. I’ve come to realize that the horrible events that have transpired in the past have shattered my identity, but on a positive note, I am more sure of who I was. I know now where dreams come from.

i know that i have a lot of things i need to let go. sometimes i feel like i’ve forgiven myself completely, and then the next i don’t know how to let her go.

 

4 Hair Styles with Bandana

I have my own collection of bandana’s and this is a perfect guide to easy styles. Must-haves for extremly curly hair, not just for the bad hair days but to have more natural days.


support THE HELP http://igg.me/p/555630/x/4196431

http://jointhemood.blogspot.com.es/2013/07/hairstyle-with-bandana-part-4-peinado.html

Love Frequency

Far from my Florida home, my thoughts started to roam in a brand new bed in a unfamiliar log cabin tucked in private countryside. My thoughts began like this: “I love —” following my mother’s name, my sister’s name, along with bittersweet memories. My mom laughing over burned biscuits or chain smoking cigaretts. My sister tapping on my window at 5 in the morning balancing two beer cans in her hands. My heart was oozing with love, overflowing with love. My shaggy dog’s white curly hair and overbite grin. Eduardo was sleeping beside me, I took him in my arms and held him tightly. I never ever want to let him go. Suddenly, I was really terrified. I never been so much in love and never hurt so bad at the same time.

Deep down I understood that nothing lasts forever. Somehow someway we have to say goodbye.

I wanted to know for sure that everybody I loved would be taken care of. In these dark moments with my head against the comfy pillow, I felt open and bleeding with love.

Vulnerable.

Then another thought, a reasuring gesture, came to mind. This will be hard to explain, and if you’ve not been on this plane of thought, you may want to discontinue reading. My thought was, I’m afraid because I feel like God is not there. To me, God is love. God is energy. I had to tell myself to trust in God and have unwaivering faith. When i tightened my grip on my sleeping beauty, tears squeezed from the corners of my eyes and I thought, God is with me. Right now, and I know it because of all the love I feel.

I decided to write about this event a week later, but this sums up the beweldering feelings that came to me my first night here, in a new city, in a new state, starting a fresh life.

Whenever I feel bad, a signal goes off in my brain that warns me. “Negative emotioms have activated. These negative vibes will only cause more pain and suffering.” This thought awareness helps me tune in to a happier station. I think about my sister and me and Eduardo smoking pot in the backyard. I think about my black cat, GG and her pink tongue sticking out. I fill myself up with love and don’t distract myself with the uncertainty of the future. It is not useful to … how do i put this? it’s not useful when you’re in that position of vulnerability to imagine the future without the ones you love. It will not make it easier when the inevitable happens.

That song from Kansas comes to mind. I know the whole song. “Now don’t hang on, nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips a-way.”

The ramifications of living in the moment will dissapate the fear. I’ll pick up the phone and call my mom and leave her a message, I’ll send my sister a picture that reminds me of us, I’ll kiss my boyfriend as he sleeps and watch him smile as he dreams.

Loving Awareness

quote mk

Times are really hard right now, help keep music in my life by supporting this blog here at THE HELP http://igg.me/p/555630/x/4196431 I want to help make a difference in other people’s life but there’s nothing I can do right now without your help.

Healthy Snack

There’s not too much going on in my kitchen. I’m always searching for quick, healthy snacks instead of opting for Cheetos. Who better recipes to steal from then celebrities? Lex from modeljourney spills the seeds, pumpkin seeds that is, and goji berries for a super food snack! Yummy!

http://modeljourney.com/2013/05/16/healthy-snack/

Thanks again to Lex for her support on my last campaign BE LOVE NOW. Go visit her site, such raw footage documenting the life of a professional model. There’s makeup reviews and gorgeous photos! Make a kind donation on my quest to bring music into my life, in return i’ll bring you what you like to read best-

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-help–2/x/4196431

Follow if you think this post catches your attention (:

The Curly Commandments

curly commandments

I put this all together, click to enlarge 🙂

Our duffle bags are packed, I can’t help but characterize myself with the possessions in my carry on: artsy tool kits, beads, yarn, brushes, my VS lingerie, writing fiction text books, video camera, yoga mat, and incense burner. I’m sad to leave our insturments and books with my mom, but it’s so much better to take just what we need.

My thanks goes out again to model Lex from modeljourney.wordpress.com for her contribution. Also thanks to an annoymous member from my church. I didn’t reach my goal to repair my violin completely, but that’s $22 more than I had. That’s so awesome! My life really could have music in it but only with your help!

Like my posts? Want more? Be the first to contribute NOW at It’s all up to you. Thanks for looking out for me Lex and my friends from church! http://igg.me/p/555630/x/4196431

I want to show you my appreciation by giving my good advice and food for your soul, right here on The Quest.

Want more hair-inspiration? More blog lov’n @ http://www.brightersides.com/brightersidesblog/2012/07/five-tutorials-for-styling-long-hair/

P.S. Andrea’s Choice A Completed Look for straight hair for naturally curly hair ❤

In memory of the pigeon with one leg i saw at the airport

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
-D. H. Lawrence (self pity)

Tie Loose Ends

steve smith

art by Steve Smith

Growing up in Southern California, I made macrame bracelets for friends. That was a long time ago. A dancer looking out for me in Colorado gave me an incredibly generous gift: crochet needles, yarn, and books. I’ve been non stop tying knots. It feels therapeutic to me. I went through my junk cigar box and picked out charms. I’m tying time in knots, inspired by themes around my room – the news on war, Eduardo’s camo jacket, my attitude not to look back. Matching colors with meanings. It was almost like a rite of passage when I learned the square knot.

We’re taking the greyhound in a week. I’m so excited to start our life in a new city. I hope I won’t get too nervous. My short term goals:

– get a job at Walgreens or a resturant
– support my love and best friend as he works impressively in the oil fields
– sell bracelets for tuition
– continue my daily fitness regimen
– take lots of pictures

My long term goals:

– get a second part time job for tuition
– buy a car
– enroll in a dance class
– become a pharmacy technician

Napoleon Hill advises “to create a definite plan of action and begin at once, without hesitation.”

Best Regards

quoteWhat’s the cure for uneven skin tone? What’s the best least-damaging solution to style curly hair straight? How does my hair maximize it’s natural colour? In other words….how can I feel comfortable under my skin? My routine to exfoilate with a descent scrub, take vitamin c and a multivitamin, start a collection of headscarves, wear sunglasses, sip green tea & apply spf 50 20 minutes before I step out into the sun & drink tons of water was missing acceptance. I can’t be perfect.

I’ve been so judgemental of myself this week. Sometimes I’m equipped with friendliness and forgivenss to my body and sometimes I’m cruel. This week I was cruel, and that’s hard to say. I condemned my looks and personality and encouraged Eduardo to feel the same. It’s like seeing me walk into a pole. Clang! My thoughts distract me.

It’s good I found this informative article. It reminded me that I’m only human, I need to focus on what facilitates purpose.

Eduardo and I talked about energy this morning. “An abundance of Energy put in the wrong direction is not as useful as the right amount energy in the right direction.” As a demonstration, he gently pushed me back and I kept walking backwards. “You’re going to keep moving backwards and watch if you stand in place and I push on your knee like this -” I stood confidently and he applies instant pressure on my right knee. I shriek and jump out of the way laughing. “You can’t move forward & I’m exterting no energy at all practically. See, it’s energy in the right direction, & I didn’t have to waste any energy.”

Eduardo reminds me of Bruce Lee. I’m the luckiest lady! I Heart Sharks has an irresitable beat. I’m bobbin’ my head I type. self esteem