The Quest for an Abudance in Sunshine

where you find: the key to happiness, personal experience, a redhead's poetry, book reviews, new science, nature, rock'n alt. medicine

Tag: personal

We Love –

It’s too much to think of everything I own on sale for cheap at a storage unit. Everything ahead will be better than what we leave here. I have more than 30 books of classic literature for sale. A Seperate Peace, The Sun Also Rises, A Clockwork Orange, When The Emperor Was Divine. Irresitable titles, gorgeous covers. I have to open every one before I let them go. I’m keeping the writers that I love to read the most. If I think back on it, Joseph Campbell advises to lavish in your passions and be certain of them. Follow Your Bliss. All these stories are a testament to my desire to become a writer, and now it’s down to a couple of worn paper backs. The Illustrated Man, The Joy Luck Club, Esoteric Anatomy, The Encyclopedia of World History. Will our trip run smoothly? I’m so happy we’re getting out of this place, nothing but small minded people and thieves.

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“Just Breathe”

>The breath is evidence that the mind and the body are connected. When you’re angry, you’re breath is quick. When you’re sad, you’re breath is different. Breathing is the fastest and most efficent way to find my center, even when I’m struggling with something difficult. It reminds me that I am not my emotions.

I’ve been practicing yoga for over a week, and I observed that I can make my body sit still, but my mind cannot. Soon, the thoughts in my head overthrow my pose. To correct myself, the only simple thing is to breathe. A spiritual teacher taught me to say “Sooo” when you inhale in your head, and on the exhale, “Ummmm” a deep vibrating tone. He explained that those words were the sound of my Self. Every one I met in Northern California told me I was an old soul. Is this why I’m looking so hard for something that I’m not sure even if it’s there, or what it is? Then I read that the breath is connected to your mind. You hear all the hype that yoga calms your mind, but my theory is that there’s something I have to do before that. I can’t participate in yoga until my mind is free.  My body is connected to my mind. And I’m connected to everything.

 

Remeber when I dug my fingers into the soil? On my knees, my wet hair drying under the sun, and it was like waking up from a dream, the next moment i let it slip through my fingers.

That was in May 2012. Weird how certain experiences change you.

A few days ago, I began research on the suppression of emotions. Yunno, I felt like that was a good direction to start in. I’m still in the beginning of my research, and I honestly don’t have all the questions answered. What happens to negative emotions when we don’t express ourselves? How do I reach my fullest potential? How do I express my soul? How do I lavish my heart’s desire?

 
and i know my grammer is shit b/c i’m typing this 100 words per minute, and I want to get out of this room.

Hide & Seek

Nobody to talk to. I’m actually content with myself, I’ve got this feeling of golden air inside my lungs as if I am recreated. My mind is now programmed differently, after I left early in the morning with my suitcases ready, and my boyfriend lying naked on the floor curled up in blankets, sprung up automatically and held onto me. “What’s going on?”

That was more than 5 months ago. I left to California, stolen by the ancient pine forests and mountains. I saw my first snow. My heart was utterly broken. Edwardo wept brutally over the cell and internet. He swore eternal love with his soul, his soul was irrevocably mine.

I left because I felt like no one loved me. I suppose I’m thinking of this because I have Nobody to talk to because of what happened no one loved me any more. Edwardo was trying so hard to love me, but I had hidden behind a secret will to end it all. I could never be the person for him or myself. I deserved Nobody.

I played a lonely game of hide and seek with myself.

Until I realized that without change, things would never get any better, and eventually, the end would be imminent.

First, I remember telling Edwardo 9 months ago that I forgave him for what he did. Then I forgave that other woman. Then I forgave myself for hurting every day. I started to clean up the house more, but I wasn’t smiling hard enough. I couldn’t get passed it, because we had it, we had IT. I got sick at my overnight job at the pharmacy, friendly employees offering Tylenol, but nothing heals a bleeding love. Just when I was beginning to believe that everything was getting better, that there was no reason to hurt. All my instincts were right. I stopped caring about everything, gave up on all we were, thinking that it had only been an illusion directed by Edwardo van Erik.

We ended up on the floor of his aunt’s house, who was just as poor. That wasn’t the issue. My baby didn’t love me any more. He was trying so hard to love me, to keep us alive, but now he wasn’t sure any more if I was what he wanted. I didn’t live, he said, I don’t know if you’re happy or not.

I think it was meant to be that we ended up at Mrs. Zella’s. I’ve been in recovery ever since. I started to read and write again, something I hadn’t done efficiently in 2 years. I indulged myself in nature. She never repeats herself. I think it is important to note in this progress report, if it presses on my mind, that I felt shameless in loving her.

Quests Completed

I wish so badly I had money to go to school. There’s so much I want to learn, so many skills I must sharpen. I’m 20 and I feel like already so much I’ve let pass me by. The past few months, part of my “personal coaching” was to remember good things about my childhood. A lot of things stuck out from my past that generated feelings of rejection, unworthiness, and failure. Even when I was little, I was so hard on myself, and weeped constantly. I think I was 8 when I created an imaginative world called Remoria that belonged to winged beasts, talking animals, enchantments and giant snakes. Lost in a new world, our heroine finds love by accident, her place in the kingdom, and a secret power held inside her. By the time I was ten, I had 400 pages of this world, with maps, encylopedia of creatures created by me, illustrations, and character charts.

 

I painted elaborate murals of this heroine’s accomplishments with topography- I’d even hold out a page at arm’s lentgh and admire the way the paragraphs flowed like a black river. I was responsible to cure the winged horse of a poison arrow, I had been destined to become a fairytale warrior, with the great sword from the capital of Remoria, decorated in dragon armor, my long hair like a flag in the wind in a conquered tower.

 

Why then, did I lose all the battles I fought? Why do I always declare war against myself? When I started showing interest in my own image, all i found were faults. My hair was hard to love, and helpless. Damaged, deyhrdated, and frizzy. My skin broke out in hideous red bulbs, I didn’t know pimples could get so big! I couldn’t hold up an iron skillet, let alone a great sword. Why, was I afraid of becoming something? I believed that I was just a crumb, or the leftover piece of thread after you snip it. I stayed within the domain of dragons made from ameyst and crystal, stones I had from my rock collection. I lost a compass at a strom in the sea, and it washed up in the artic northern lands that belonged to a colony of barn owls.

It took me a very long time until I realized that the love I had for this imaginary land served a secret desire in my heart. I’d like to finally feel beautiful and secure. I’d like to finally feel some credit of self-acceptance. My love of fantasy didn’t classify me as a nerd, it qualified me to love sci-fi by ray bradbury, self-portraits and expressionism, jewelry, traveling, herbs and things. I shouldn’t have been such a downer, I really inhibited a lot of potential to grow.

Last year after spring started, I had this epiphany that I could be reborn. Like new, recreated. I could abadon every notion I had of myself and start over. I didn’t push myself to write poems or stories, instead, I took this time to experiment with new tools, like a fan brush and fake eyelashes. I wanted to give myself something I had denied myself for so long – a knowing that I had found the key to happiness. As long as I had this key, I could unlock an exotic paradise.