When you feel anxious, anxiety-ridden, what is one to do? What do you ordinarily do when anxiety is there? You try to solve it. You try alternatives, and you get more and more into it. You will create a bigger mess because anxiety cannot be solved through thinking. It cannot be dissolved through thinking because thinking itself is a sort of anxiety.
This technique says don’t do anything with anxiety. Just be alert!
I will tell you one old anecdote about Bokuju, another Zen master. He lived alone in a cave, but during the day, or even in the night, he would sometimes say loudly, “Bokuju” — his own name, and then he would say, “Yes, I am here.” And no one else was there.
Then his disciples used to ask him, “Why are you calling ‘Bokuju’, your own name, and then saying, ‘Yes sir, I am here’?” He said…
Lately, I feel like something is holding me or changing my personality. You’re encouraged to find role models to inspire you, maybe even look up to your successful peers. But all i see is a reflection of all my failures and imperfections. I noticed my life was taking a different path than my fantasy. Would my reality ever live up?
Eduardo coached me on some basic Bruce Lee jeet kune do. He was explaining about connecting a punch to your enemy. “You have to WANT your punch to make a connection with your target. Do you understand?”
I want to make a huge impact on my life. I think I’ve died a little bit every day, trying to understand the formula for abundance. Will i spend the next year working as a sever? Or will I find the courage to pursue a better career path and truly believe that deep inside me is a novel or something short of a masterpiece?
What’s pertinent now is to change my perspective on my reality. I’ve come to realize that the horrible events that have transpired in the past have shattered my identity, but on a positive note, I am more sure of who I was. I know now where dreams come from.
i know that i have a lot of things i need to let go. sometimes i feel like i’ve forgiven myself completely, and then the next i don’t know how to let her go.
It’s been a year since I’ve started this Quest and here’s what I’ve figured out:
– it’s all about your mindset. change your mindset, change your destiny
– presentation is everything. dress prosperous. image is a construction and others are easily disillusioned. you will be vulnerable.
– take risks
– travel more, see more forests, more oceans, more mountains, more rivers, more cities
– don’t be afraid to feel beautiful
– keep your promises, including the ones to yourself
And that’s all I can remember. It’s very windy, the whoosh pushes the doors open and lifts the curtains as if being visited by a presence. I want to dazzle this blog, it’s bland. Bear with me (: I’ll start taking pictures with my new camera and check out what wordpress has to offer. Lately, I’ve been lollygagging on pinterest, organizing my boards. I’m anxious to show you my product hauls. LMS
i know i’m not the only one who feels reflective, except I ponder if I think back too far. Let’s see how far we’ve come, and I’m alread 21, on the threshood of adulthood, the most beautiful I’ll ever be perhaps, and a feeling of longing overwhelms me. There’s so much I want to become, but this is who I am right now: a young lady with tender feet, just gaining her independence.
The old me, for a very long time, was very depressed. I still refuse to believe that I have a disorder, and that my severe saddess and self-loathing ceases when i accept who I am and begin to love my imperfection. These things had to happen in order to shift my perspective. Forgiveness and acceptance. I started to learn who I was all over again, and this is an exhilerating process; to rediscover your passions and blossom.
I don’t fight my hair as much. (As a matter of fact, I haven’t straightened my hair in 3 months) and I’ve learned to do things I love in variations. I love my skin, mastering the basics of a matte finish. I don’t play with dark eyeshadows as much at all as i used to, and I have lots of nudes and pencils to play with. I fucking love my freckles and red hair and I’m happy the way I am. I picked up The Hobbit and I’ve never read any of the lord of the rings books before, as much as a bibliophile as i am, and it’s so wonderful to emmerse yourself in something like fantasy. I lose track of time.
My next posts are going to be reviews on the beauty products and movies i’ve hauled since i started working. Remember, I’m not a celebrity, I don’t live in a huge city. Our neighbors own a huge 2 story house with 14 acres, including horses and red barn with that bright white X on the large door. I don’t work at a hospital and make 25 dollars an hour, people aren’t asking for my autograph; I’m a waitress.
I have my own collection of bandana’s and this is a perfect guide to easy styles. Must-haves for extremly curly hair, not just for the bad hair days but to have more natural days.
Far from my Florida home, my thoughts started to roam in a brand new bed in a unfamiliar log cabin tucked in private countryside. My thoughts began like this: “I love —” following my mother’s name, my sister’s name, along with bittersweet memories. My mom laughing over burned biscuits or chain smoking cigaretts. My sister tapping on my window at 5 in the morning balancing two beer cans in her hands. My heart was oozing with love, overflowing with love. My shaggy dog’s white curly hair and overbite grin. Eduardo was sleeping beside me, I took him in my arms and held him tightly. I never ever want to let him go. Suddenly, I was really terrified. I never been so much in love and never hurt so bad at the same time.
Deep down I understood that nothing lasts forever. Somehow someway we have to say goodbye.
I wanted to know for sure that everybody I loved would be taken care of. In these dark moments with my head against the comfy pillow, I felt open and bleeding with love.
Vulnerable.
Then another thought, a reasuring gesture, came to mind. This will be hard to explain, and if you’ve not been on this plane of thought, you may want to discontinue reading. My thought was, I’m afraid because I feel like God is not there. To me, God is love. God is energy. I had to tell myself to trust in God and have unwaivering faith. When i tightened my grip on my sleeping beauty, tears squeezed from the corners of my eyes and I thought, God is with me. Right now, and I know it because of all the love I feel.
I decided to write about this event a week later, but this sums up the beweldering feelings that came to me my first night here, in a new city, in a new state, starting a fresh life.
Whenever I feel bad, a signal goes off in my brain that warns me. “Negative emotioms have activated. These negative vibes will only cause more pain and suffering.” This thought awareness helps me tune in to a happier station. I think about my sister and me and Eduardo smoking pot in the backyard. I think about my black cat, GG and her pink tongue sticking out. I fill myself up with love and don’t distract myself with the uncertainty of the future. It is not useful to … how do i put this? it’s not useful when you’re in that position of vulnerability to imagine the future without the ones you love. It will not make it easier when the inevitable happens.
That song from Kansas comes to mind. I know the whole song. “Now don’t hang on, nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky. It slips a-way.”
The ramifications of living in the moment will dissapate the fear. I’ll pick up the phone and call my mom and leave her a message, I’ll send my sister a picture that reminds me of us, I’ll kiss my boyfriend as he sleeps and watch him smile as he dreams.
I wrote this poem for you.
Folded up the sentences, creased
Meanings as I was murmur
How much I missed my
Fingers entwined with some place
In your hand, or your hair, or the end
Of your shirt.
I am using this poem
To love you but I wish miserably
That you would use me instead
Of a delicate Chinese crane
Bent too much in the wings and a slender
White neck you kiss
Wishing your lips lay on my collarbone.
“A beautiful woman will enchant you with her opinions. She never gets anxious, she’s always collected and witty. Confidence radiates under her bare skin. She’s a whirlwind who does a tremendous job and drinks coffee all she wants.”
The Quest for an Abudance in Sunshine 